


Apply Topically

by a_stands_for



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Sex, Aphrodisiacs, Chair Sex, Horn Stimulation, Intoxication, Lapdance, M/M, Sex Pollen, Slash, Sopor Slime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-30
Updated: 2012-03-30
Packaged: 2017-11-02 18:48:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/372175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_stands_for/pseuds/a_stands_for
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the kink meme. Originally posted May 2011.</p><p>In which John learns the hard way that trolls and humans have a very different chemical reaction to sopor slime.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apply Topically

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Innocently drunken lap-dance-inspired riding. Originally posted [here](http://homesmut.livejournal.com/6376.html?thread=6332648#t6332648).
> 
> (Today the A stands for Aphrodisiac)

“Wow, you actually sleep in this stuff?” John asked, staring into Karkat's recuperacoon. There was a hint of incredulous laughter to his voice that the troll instantly took offense to.

“Do you have a _problem_ with my sleeping arrangements, which are _perfectly_ normal and have been practiced by _all_ of troll-kind since _forever_ , Egderp?” he spat, punctuating each emphasis with a sharp-clawed jab at the human's soft fleshy shoulder. John stepped back, rubbing the spot with his hand as if it had hurt (gog, he hoped it did, stupid squishy humans!) and tried to look properly chastised.

“No, of course not! It's just, I mean...” he glanced back at the sizable cocoon, which Karkat had alchemized back when he finally rescinded his previous orders against sleeping. “Doesn't anyone ever, um, drown? Or, I mean, suffocate?”

“Do you humans ever suffocate in your stupid pillows?”

“Of course not! You don't sleep with your nose pressed into one!”

“Well, there you go.”

“Huh,” was all John had to say to that. He went back to peering into the opening on the top. “What is that stuff?”

“Sopor slime. It keeps us from having violent dreams.”

John reached a hand in and poked at the green goop. “Wait, isn't that the stuff Gamzee is always eating?”

“Yeeeeeah. You're really not supposed to do that.” To Karkat's disbelief, the stupid human pulled his hand back out and licked curiously at his fingers. “What did I just get through saying?” he shouted, slapping the pale hand away from pink lips.

“Oh my gog, no wonder he eats it! This is actually pretty good!” Blue eyes crinkled with mischief as John spun away, returning his fingers to his mouth. “I can't believe you go swimming in this stuff every night without having it for a snack.”

“Every _day_ , fuckass. And it's disgusting and I don't know what's wrong with your taste buds.”

“A-ha, so you have tried some,” the human said triumphantly, turning back to face his friend. He grinned as he sucked the last of the slime off his fingers with a loud _pop_. For some reason, Karkat froze instead of chasing him down like he expected.

“...what?” he finally asked, sounding very distracted.

“Admit it, you sneak a little for a mid-noon snack all the time, don't you?”

“No. I promise you, that stuff really doesn't taste good to your average troll.”

“Really?” John sounded a bit let down, and stared at the cocoon in confusion. “It tastes sweet to me.”

“Well for all we know, your human sense of taste works totally different than our superior troll tongues. We haven't exactly compared notes over any meals yet, have we?”

“Huh. I guess it's possible.”

“Of course it is. I thought of it, and we've already agreed that I'm better than you in every way possible.”

“Whatever, Kitty Kat.”

While the troll sputtered over the latest indignity John had bestowed him with, the human boy took advantage of his distraction to hoist himself up on top of the giant purple vat.

“What the hell, Egderp?”

“I just want to see what it's like,” he replied, quickly slipping in before his friend could forbid it.

“Could you be any more rude? Is this typical for your kind? Do you make it a practice to barge into people's private rooms and get your human germs all over their bedding? Is this something I should come to expect from all your friends too?”

“Oh Karkat, you know I wouldn't do this if we weren't already buddies. When we get a room fixed up for me, you can totally come and shed over my covers all you want.”

“For the last time, I'm not a cat.”

“No, dude, I was thinking of scales, actually.”

“Just... wow. Congratulations, derpface, I think you have somehow managed to become _even more_ of a culturally insensitive retard.”

“It was a joke. Laugh, Karkat!”

“I only laugh at things that are _funny_.”

John didn't respond. A squishing noise could be heard as the boy shifted around in the sopor slime. Frowning sourly, Karkat moved to peer inside, afraid he'd find his bedding being consumed. Fortunately, John was just laying on his back, apparently trying to get comfortable.

“Well, what do you think?” the troll asked, almost nervously. “Much better than your silly beds, isn't it.”

John squirmed. “No, not really. It's kind of unpleasant, actually.”

“Bluh, just wait until the sedative kicks in, then you'll see.”

“Sedative?” he exclaimed with mild alarm. “You didn't say anything about that!”

“What part of 'keeps us from having violent dreams' did you not understand?”

“I don't know, I guess I just didn't think about it!”

“Obviously. If the idea bothers you that much, then get the hell out already.”

“Fine, fine,” he grumbled, sitting up and pulling himself out. “Oh jeez, I'm coated in slime now.”

“Well, _duh_.”

“Now I kind of wish I'd thought this through.” He held his arms out stiffly from his sides, wrinkling his nose in a manner that should be illegal. “Ick.” Slipping down the side, he landed on his butt on the floor with a loud squelch. “I feel kind of funny now.”

“That's probably the sopor taking effect.”

“I don't feel _tired_ , though. Just funny.”

“You _look_ funny.”

“Ha. _Hic_!”

“What the hell was that?”

“I think I have the hiccups!”

“I have no idea what that means.”

“Don't trolls get the _hic_ hiccups?”

“Of course not! What are they?”

“You know, some kind of _hic_ involuntary, um, I think it has something to do with, like, _hic_ the diaphragm?”

“Egbeeeeert--”

“It's this thing! Where you hiccup! And you _hic_ can't stop until you drink lots of water, or hold your _hic_ breath, but usually it just keeps going until it goes away on its own. _Hic_.”

Karkat flashed him his best 'I am extremely unimpressed  _and_ irritated  _and_ you're an idiot' look. John promptly burst into hiccup-stuttered giggles.

“I fail to see how the situation is that funny,” he growled.

“A-ha ha ha aha ha _hic_ ha ha haaah! Oh, man, y-you should see your fa- _hic_ face!” John clutched his belly as he tried and failed to contain either his laughter or his strange stomach convulsions. Doing so apparently reminded him of his currently slimy condition, because he suddenly grabbed the hem of his shirt, peeled it off over his head and tossed the sodden garment aside. Still giggling, he started in on his shoes, oblivious to the fact that his companion's jaw had just dropped open.

“What the hell are you doing _now_?” the troll shouted, a touch higher than before.

“This stuff is kind of soaking through my _hic_ clothes, and it's _cold_.” Still leaning over in his seat on the floor as he untied his shoelaces, a bit of sopor slime dripped down from his hair, landing in a glop on his shoulder that quickly started trailing down his chest. John shuddered and tried to catch the drip with his fingers, mostly succeeding at smearing it worse. Giving up, he finished removing his shoes and tossed them on top of his shirt. Standing up, he reached for the top of his pants only to pause when he heard the strange gurgling noise that emerged from his fellow friendleader's throat.

“I-I don't care how cold it is, that's no reason for you to start performing a strip-tease!”

“Oh Karkat, _hic_ this isn't a strip-tease,” he laughed, before a coyly mischievous expression stole across his features. He batted his lashes and began slinking his pants down ever-so-slowly, rolling his hips a little from side to side. “ _This_ is a strip-tease!”

“Gah!” the troll exclaimed, covering his eyes with his hands. “Would you cut that out!”

John hiccup-giggled hysterically, ceasing his teasing movements and removing his pants in a more normal fashion. “Relax, I've still got my underwear on.  _Hic!_ Besides, we're both boys, it's not like I've got something you've  _hic_ never seen before.”

“Okay, first of all, you're an alien. Of course you have something I've never seen before. Second of all, Mr. 'I-am-Not-a-Homosexual,' are you forgetting that gender doesn't matter to my species?”

“Oh yeah.” John stared somewhat curiously at Karkat's furiously averted eyes, taking in the rising red undertones to his gray skin. A hint of a smile returned to the pink lips. “Does that mean I'm seriously turning you on? _Hic_?”

“Fuck you,” he muttered, turning to his computer terminal and slouching into his chair. He had a message from the Insufferable Prick flashing on his screen.

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \-- 

TG: hey is egderp over there with you?  
CG: UNFORTUNATLY. CAN YOU PLEASE COME GET HIS SORRY ASS? LOOK, I'M ASKING NICELY AND EVERYTHING.  
CG: OH, AND BRING HIM A CHANGE OF CLOTHES.  
TG: what

“Kitkaaaaat,” John whined, suddenly draping himself over the troll's shoulders, which immediately stiffened with hostility.

“Don't call me Kitkat, either. I'm not one of your earth chocolate bars.”

The human was silent for a moment, as if considering this between hiccups, then abruptly turned his head and swathed his tongue up a gray-skinned cheek. Karkat flinched his head away, turning to pin John with a wide-eyed, accusing look. “What the hell?”

Without even removing his arms, the paler boy rotated around the other until he was in front, then promptly sat on his lap. His eyelids were at half-mast, a wicked twist to his normally impish grin. “I don't know, Kitkat, you taste pretty good to me. _Hic_.” And then he began swaying and twisting his half-naked body, in what he probably imagined was a good attempt at a lap dance.

It took a moment for Karkat to find his voice, and when he did it was unmistakably higher and breathier this time. “Okay, I'm pretty sure this is the sopor talking. Also, I think it's safe to say that this is  _not_ the effect it's supposed to have, and it is not mixing well with your human physiology.”

John let out a few sultry chuckles, or at least that was probably his intention, from the back of his throat. He leaned forward, rubbing his chest against the black shirt emblazoned with a sideways '69,' his hair brushing against a pointed ear and leaving a trail of sopor there. This was all the inspiration he needed to apply his tongue to removing the sweet substance from the tender skin. This close to the troll's face, there was no missing the sudden hitch in his breath. Blue eyes rolled up in pleased triumph, then spotted the little candy-corn nubs of Karkat's horns.

Surely the troll couldn't see his eyes from this position, yet he seemed to know exactly what John was thinking. “Wait, don't--” was all he could sputter out before the body in his lap shifted a little higher and a quick moist swipe was quickly followed by his horn being completely engulfed.

 _Sluuuuuuuurp_!

“Oh gog!” Karkat tried to move his legs but they were thoroughly pinned by the human's weight, so all he could do was curl his clawed toes in his shoes and grip the sides of the chair so tightly he was probably cutting it open. He could feel his bone bulge unsheathing itself with violent interest and it made his face flame even further in embarrassment. John was lifted on his knees at the moment, rubbing provocatively against him even as his mouth worked, but as soon as he sat down he was going to know exactly how effective his dorkishly enthusiastic administrations were...

John finally took his mouth away and seemed to shudder against him, whimpering before going very still.

“J-John? Are you okay?”

“...it hurts,” he finally whispered.

“What!” Panic surged through Karkat's brain. _Oh please, don't tell me sopor slime is actually poisonous to humans!_

“It hurts!” The human suddenly leaned away, arching his back as he went until he was supporting himself with his elbows on Karkat's keyboard, knees still on either side of the other boy's lap as he ground his hips upward against nothing. Yellow eyes couldn't tear themselves away from the obvious lump straining against the pale blue undershorts. Hips bucked uncontrollably as John's voice took a pleading tone. “It hurts, it hurts, please, please, oh gog oh gog ohh gog!” When Karkat failed to unfreeze, the boy quickly reared forward again, collapsing onto his lap and _grinding_ into his stomach.

Karkat gasped, and found himself gripping John's hips before he could think about it. Each downward thrust was causing the boy's ass to brush over the tip of his bone-bulge, and it was quickly depriving him of his sanity. His claws were tearing up the flimsy pair of boxers, and John somehow found the mental capacity to tear the shreds away before running his hands through his hair, coating them in sopor slime, and using that to furiously pump himself. He didn't even seem to notice the agony he was now causing his friend as he pressed his weight down onto his crotch.

Whitish fluid erupted from Mt. John Jr., globbing itself across his pale stomach and clutching hands. John didn't move for a few moments, gasping for air, his head still thrown back, before letting it fall with a clonk on Karkat's chest. Still breathing heavily, he finally forced out a few coarse chuckles, followed by a soft " _shit_.”

“Does that mean you've stopped being crazy?” Karkat ventured.

Nod nod.

“What can I say? I told you not to eat that stuff.”

A slightly hysterical laugh that ended with something that might have been a sob.

“John? Are you...gonna be okay?”

“I... I don't think _eating_ it was the problem,” he confessed shakily.

“What do you mean?”

“I think it soaked through my skin.”

“What, really?” The thought had never occurred to Karkat; after all, troll skin was a lot harder, though not quite as shell-like as Jack's had been.

“And guess where I just rubbed it all over?”

“ _Oh._ ”

“Yeah.” Another heartbreaking laugh, then the boy lifted his head and straightened up, peeking apprehensively through his eyelashes. Karkat's heart skipped a beat; even with the slight hinting of tears, or perhaps because of it, that look went straight through his think-pan and down to his crotch.

John's eyes widened; he most definitely felt that. A blush sprang across his face, but already his body was betraying him and he didn't leap away. “Oh, _gog_ , I'm so sorry! I didn't even—I mean, I know when you first talked to me you expressed an, um, interest... I wasn't just trying to rub it in your face, I would never have— _ooooohh_...” His hips ground down without his permission, eliciting a moan from both parties.

The body under his thighs was trembling, John noticed for the first time. Further inspection revealed piles of stuffing spilling out from slashes on the sides of the chair. Karkat's face was horribly red, and under that bravado of normalcy he could see the desperation and desire that haunted the depths of his yellow and black eyes. Something suspiciously like pity was stirring in John's heart. Pity with a strong dose of admiration.

 _All things considered, he's been an absolute gentleman_ , he realized with amazement. _And shouldn't such restraint be rewarded?_

“Um, Karkles?” he started meekly, picking lint off the troll's shirt.

“What?” he squeaked. It was a sign of how far gone he was that he didn't bark at the pet-name.

“Before I totally lose myself again, I just want to say... that you should do whatever you want.”

A pregnant pause. “ _What?_ ”

“I'm saying,” he said, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice, “that I know you need something, and in a moment I'm going to need something too, and that you shouldn't hold back or feel bad and just--” he leaned forward again, pink lips a whisper away from black as he felt himself growing hard again. His eyelids were growing heavy with desire, and he knew this next sentence wouldn't sound like he was in control anymore, but oh well.

“\--Take what you need,” he hissed.

The dam broke, and Karkat was devouring his lips, his mouth, his tongue like he'd been longing to do this since the first moment he laid eyes on him, which was basically true. He scrabbled to undo the zipper of his pants, Egbert lifting himself up to give him room. Jeans quickly pushed down past his hips, he pulled the boy back down and rutted against him, gasping into his mouth. His hands wandered desperately over smooth thighs, then over the soft flesh behind, fingers digging in with force just shy of piercing the skin with his claws.

“What I _need_ ,” he panted, “is to be inside you.” John shivered all over. “Is that how it works with humans? Is that even possible?”

“Y-yeah,” the boy answered breathlessly. “But that's g-going to be harder since I'm a b-boy.”

“Tell me. Show me.” Black orbs pierced into blue, that broke away after a moment to peer from side to side, as if looking for ideas. They settled on his stomach, where his strange white genetic material still glistened.

“F-from what I've heard, I'll need something slippery,” he whispered, rubbing his fingers in it. “B-but let's skip the sopor this time!”

Karkat exhaled a laugh, then his mouth went dry. John had reached an arm behind himself and was doing something the troll couldn't see, but could definitely imagine. His eyes closed tightly behind behind his dorky square glasses, creases wrinkling his brow. With that chest completely exposed and vulnerable, the troll found his eyes wandering over it, taking in the smooth soft expanse and the two strange, pink nubs near the top.

_I wonder if they're anything like my horns?_ One way to find out. He ducked his head forward and gave one a lick. John, caught by surprise, gave a noticeable gasp.

_Oh, yeeessss. Revenge is sweet._

_Sluuuuuuuurp_!

John's free hand clutched at the back of Karkat's head, digging into the jet-black hair as his entire body trembled. The troll ran his tongue back and forth over the little point of flesh, grinning at the squawks it made him produce. All the while, John's hand never stopped whatever-it-was that it was doing, and if anything it seemed that Karkat's attentions made him do it even faster.

The hand in his hair suddenly saw fit to leave, and a moment later Karkat felt it on his throbbing bulge. Now it was his turn to buck and gasp. He felt something slimy; apparently he was being slicked up for the final stretch. The hand that had disappeared previously was back, gripping his shirt sleeves for support as John shifted around on his lap, lining things up. He felt something touch the tip of his bone-bulge, then the hand around it let go and--

\--And John sat down. And Karkat  _moaned._

Through the overwhelming sensation he thought he heard a sharp  _hiss_ from the other boy, but it was hard to be sure over the rush of blood pounding in his ears. John had collapsed over him, arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders and face hidden from view. After a moment though he whimpered, hips rising as he once again felt the mindless need to rub against him. The troll sucked in a breath at the feeling of flesh sliding over his bulge, quickly gripped those milky hips once more, and pushed them back down.

“Ooooohhhh, yeeeessssssss,” he slurred. John lifted up again and let himself be slammed back down. “Fuuuuuuuuuuck.”

The human unwrapped himself from the troll's neck, revealing that his face had once again twisted into that smug grin, all the more seductive for those stupidly dorky front teeth peeking out. “Yes, we are.”

Karkat tried to snark back, but it was impossible when John kept rising and falling on him like that, each pass like ecstasy as he was squeezed and stroked. A stream of curses was spewing from his mouth, and he knew he was digging his claws in to that silky skin too hard but he just couldn't stop. John suddenly tilted his head back, his pale expanse of neck exposed temptingly as he yelped, quivering over and over as he bobbed up and down. “Oh gog, w-what?” he stuttered, apparently shocked by something.

Karkat was entranced by the display in front of him. John Egbert, his first real kismes-crush, was right here in his lap, naked but for a pair of socks, groaning and shaking and riding him like he was a bucking hoofbeast. A few tracks of candy-red blood, just like his own, were starting to drip down the boy's hips. His strange human bulge, which the troll was fairly sure couldn't retract into his skin at all, was slapping from stomach to stomach, still covered with a sheen of green and white. Carefully removing a hand in case John was using it for balance, Karkat gripped the flopping organ and stroked it like he had seen the boy do before, and was rewarded with a gasping squeal.

“Oh, don't stop! Don't stop, don'tstopdon'tstopdon'tsto~p!” he cried, his movements losing any sense of rhythm as he convulsed on his lap. Jamming himself down as far as he could go, his grip on the troll's arms became his anchor as he arched his back, spunk firing onto the black shirt. The fleshy sheath around Karkat's dick constricted unbelievably tight, the final straw in the amazingly erotic experience. Unable to endure any longer, the pleasure overran his senses and he began shooting torrents of red genetic material where it didn't belong, which of course exploded back out across his pants, the chair, and splattered across the floor.

They didn't move for a few moments, frozen in throes of sexual release. At last John brought his head back down, breathing shakily and still trembling with exertion. “Wow. That was... Oh, wow.”

Karkat nodded in agreement.

“I mean. Woah!”

“I get it, John. _Believe me_ , I get it.”

“Heh heh.” He rubbed the back of his neck, peering at the other boy shyly. “I guess we should probably clean things up?”

“Uhg.” Karkat made a face, glaring at the red liquid that surrounded them. John followed his gaze.

“No wonder you guys need buckets!”

Karkat whipped his head back around, a growl dying in his throat as he took in John's face. The boy was chewing on his lip with his overlarge teeth, his pointer fingers tapping together in a nervous gesture as he studiously avoided meeting his gaze. The gravity of what they had done suddenly hit Karkat like a spaceship. He stared at his own hands, which were covered with at least two different types of slime, and the thighs across his own that were vividly splattered with a third.

“ _Fuck._ ”

“Yes, we did,” John replied quietly with a weak little laugh. An ominous silence descended over the room. John finally lifted up enough to pull off of Karkat's half-retracted bulge, which caused another gush of genetic material to flow down his legs. He didn't get off his lap, though, merely sat back down on the mess and tentatively met the troll's eyes.

“You wanna, after we get things cleaned up, maybe go grab a bite to eat with me and watch something?”

Karkat stared. There was a slight blush to the boy's face, though nothing compared to earlier, of course. “You mean, like, dinner and a movie?”

“Something like that,” he mumbled, looking away again. Karkat's heart skipped a hopeful beat.

_Maybe this won't be the end of our relationship after all. Maybe it'll even be a beginning._

“Yeah, sure, that sounds great. We could watch that stupid movie with the bunny you're always going on about.”

John grinned, blue eyes glistening just a little but still holding it together. Karkat helped him to stand, the boy wobbling a bit on legs that had fallen asleep. By the time John had finished up in the oddly-named troll shower, the room was clean and he was wordlessly presented with a fresh pair of his own bright blue clothes. He could only wonder at that as Karkat went to take his turn in the ablution trap. How did he get a clean set without wandering the halls in his red-stained pants?

In the corner of the room, Karkat's computer sat ignored. The message on the screen, which had been read once before the monitor was hastily turned off, went something like this:

\-- turntechGodhead  [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \-- 

TG: hey is egderp over there with you?  
CG: UNFORTUNATLY. CAN YOU PLEASE COME GET HIS SORRY ASS? LOOK, I'M ASKING NICELY AND EVERYTHING.  
CG: OH, AND BRING HIM A CHANGE OF CLOTHES.  
TG: what  
TG: nevermind im sure i dont want to know  
TG: there ive alchemized a new set of windy pajamas  
TG: tell egbert to hold his horses  
TG: the laundry fairy is on his way  
CG: sdkljfkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk  
TG: gog damn it egbert  
TG: i dumped your clean duds at the door but nothing will ever wash the image from my eyes  
TG: fuck  
TG: if id known you were open to that kind of shit id have hit on you ages ago


End file.
